CHILDREN WILL LISTEN

“Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see
And learn

Children may not obey
But children will listen
Children will look to you
For which way to turn
To learn what to be

Careful before you say
“Listen to me”
Children will listen”

Stephen Sondheim Into the Woods

12 years ago, I wrote a piece for Huffington Post called “Who Did You Bully Today?” In the piece,  I called myself out for a few things like very unkind gossiping, but then asked what we as adults can do to set an example for our families, our communities, our workplaces, and our schools.

Initially, studies indicated that the increase in school anti bullying curriculum, along with public awareness campaigns, actually helped decreased bullying in the period between 2005 and 2014. The numbers went from 29.9% of children reporting being bullied to 13,4%.  The piece about this study stated,

Much of this success can be directly attributed to heightened awareness. A 2013 report found that school-driven bullying prevention programs can decrease bullying by up to 23 percent. Clearly, these efforts to reduce harassment are having a positive effect across the country.

Ten-Year Trends in Bullying and Related Attitudes Among 4th- to 12th-Graders | Pediatrics | American Academy of Pediatrics

Unfortunately, some studies indicated a spike.  In 2021–22, about 19 percent of students ages 12–18¹ reported being bullied² during school,³  In 2021–22, among students who were bullied, 22 percent reported that the bullying happened online or by text.  Fast Facts: Bullying (719)

Then, there is this. Cyberbyllying, which I refer to as somewhere between the “dark ages” and  the “wild west”, is off the charts. Not only are our kids suffering, but adults are paying the price.

About half of U.S. teens (53%) say online harassment and online bullying are a major problem for people their age, according to a spring 2022 Center survey of teens ages 13 to 17. Another 40% say it is a minor problem, and just 6% say it is not a problem.

The data started pulling things together. And it’s alarming. What we see in adults mirrors what is happening to our kids.   “In a 2018 article on the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center website, Ken Yeager, Ph.D., reported, “Adults are being bullied at levels similar to adolescents, according to a 2017 survey conducted on behalf of the American Osteopathic Association. The online survey of more than 2,000 U.S. adults found that 31 percent of Americans have been bullied as an adult. The survey defined bullying as being subjected to repeated, negative behavior intended to harm or intimidate.”” 

A recent study of adult internet users revealed that more than one third of respondents stopped, reduced, or in some other manner, changed their online activity because of cyber bullying. And more than one quarter were victims of, what they self-described as, severe online harassment. Nov 10, 2021.   

Cyberflyer_AdultCyberbullying_11-10-2021.pdf   

Without data, I would still venture a guess and say those numbers have increased.

I am not encouraged these days. 

So, what to do? Of course, bullying and violence happens in the home and it’s horrific. Though  improvement has been seen since the bipartisan Violence Against Women Act in 1994, there are still millions of cases every year. And we know the damage that does to victims, and to children who witness. 

And of course, it’s vicious online. The numbers above are probably telling only half the problem.

But what I want to focus on right now, is the lack of improvement we’ve seen in adults being bullied in the workplace. The Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention, along with our partners the Workplace Bullying Institute, did the first national study, done by Zogby in 2007, of workplace bullying, 37% of workers have been bullied at work. In 62% of cases, when made aware of bullying, employers worsen the problem or simply do nothing

A new 2021 study by WBI, told a similar story.  According to the 2021 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey, conducted in January 2021, 30 percent of Americans have suffered abusive conduct at work; another 19 percent have witnessed it; 49 percent are affected by it; and 66 percent are aware that workplace bullying happens.Jan 12, 2022

60% of employers, when made aware, denied, rationalized, discounted, and even defended the bullying behavior.

The WBI and researcher Tim Fields  came up with the types of bullying. These are both covert and overt types. This is how the describe the types of bullies.

Here’s what I’ve learned about the types of workplace bullies from the Workplace Bullying Institute founders Drs. Gary and Ruth Namie, and from studying the work of the late workplace bullying activist Tim Field.

The first four types from the Drs. Namie, and the last four come from Tim Field. 

In their words…

1) The Screaming Mimi — These are the specialists in “the outbursts.” Some of the rants are well timed, and some are just uncontrolled. Either way, it’s not the most effective tactic, although they rarely know that. They’re the classic “slam them into the locker” types. They tend to lose their temper at each other and sometimes the host in double screened news show interviews. It’s fun to watch for a few minutes, until you change the channel because really nothing of value is being heard or said.

2)The Constant Critic — Haven’t we all experienced the “know it all”? They rarely know it all, but they’ll let you know they do, both on the floor and on the networks. Like Downton Abbey‘s dowager countess, “I am never wrong,” and the elementary school tattle tale, it’s always someone else’s fault. Always.

3)The Two-Headed Snake — I like to think of these folks as the “divide and conquer” champions of the playground. The “enemy of my enemy is my friend” tactic is at work here. Backstabbing is their game and they do it well.

4)The Gatekeeper — This one is my personal favorite when it comes to Congress. If you can’t do something yourself, then keep someone else from doing anything at all. Obstruction, obstruction, and more obstruction. Nothing gets done, and they like it that way.

5. The Attention Seeker— The “grandstanders”! The speech makers that everyone starts to tune out are in it for themselves. They love the attention, they love the press, they love to be noticed. They’re the class clown with a mean streak, and the show off that no one likes. They don’t play well with others, because it’s all about them.6. The Wannabe— These are the Hill dwellers who just aren’t very competent. Knowing this, they’ll make sure others look as clueless as they are. It keeps the focus off their deficiencies. If little Johnny isn’t the best student in class, he’ll make sure little Susie and little Bobby look worse than he does.

This sounds familiar to me. I’ve been bullied years ago, in the past at a much younger age, prior to my career in social work and in philanthropy. And what I hear from other adults is close to what they are experiencing. I’m lucky. They are hurting, as are parents of bullied children. From a piece I read recently:

“Bullying is among parents’ top concerns for their children, according to a fall 2022 Center survey of parents with children under 18. About a third (35%) of U.S. parents with children younger than 18 say they are extremely or very worried that their children might be bullied at some point. Another 39% are somewhat worried about this.Of the eight concerns asked about in the survey, only one ranked higher for parents than bullying: Four-in-ten parents are extremely or very worried about their children struggling with anxiety or depression.“Most of us encounter adult bullies at certain points in our lives. An adult bully can be an intimidating boss or colleague, a controlling romantic partner, an unruly neighbor, a high-pressure sales/business representative, a condescending family member, a shaming social acquaintance, or other types of abusive relationships,” surmised a 2016 online article at Psychology Today. An adult bully can also be a president, a politician, a professor, a physician, a police officer, a TV producer, a preacher, a parent, a partner, or a peer. A bully likes power and control. “It’s my way or the highway.” Bullies can often be found in positions of power.”

The specifics of what bullying can look like ..

Types of bullying include:

• Verbal abuse
• Threats
• Humiliation
• Sexual harassment
• Ostracism or isolation
• Withholding resources or information
• Intimidation
• Sabotage
• Reputation damage due to rumors

And the costs of being bullied.  The WBI lays it out,

In addition to negative career consequences, many workers experience significant health issues because of bullying. Physical ailments such as high blood pressure, more illness, or mental health symptoms can become common. In particular, workers who are being bullied experience anxiety and depression and dread going to work.

But wait, there’s more…for both the employee and employer.

Bullying is about power, and creating feelings of defenselessness and injustice in the target.  The bully may even be the boss.  In fact, some statistics indicate anywhere from 50% to 75% of bullying involves a manager targeting an employee, which often leaves the target in a defenseless position not knowing what to do.

Employee:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• Phobias
• Depression
• Sleep and digestive disturbances
•  

Employer:

• Turnover – cost if someone leaves because of bullying
• Cost of investigations leading to potential legal actions
• Increased absences due to physical and psychological impact
• Breakdown of trust within the organization
• Negative impact on climate and productivity
•  

In the violence prevention movement, we have stressed that being a bystander to bullying is letting it happen. The term that has been used, is “upstander”. It’s difficult  in a toxic environment for employees, students, community members to report bullying by higher ups. As we’ve seen, the consequences are dire. But if the bully is confronted by peers or others who intervene, bullying can stop as quickly as it started. We’ve taught kids, through programs that standing up in a safe and appropriate way, can stop bullying within seconds. 

Are we looking in the mirror? We CAN change this.

In another piece I wrote in Huffington Post, “Until, we get what we do to others and how we model for kids, the anti- bullying movement won’t move as well as we would hope. A study we did in Iowa by Dr. Alan Heisterkamp, former educator and administrator in the Sioux City School District, and past head of the University Of Northern Iowa Center for Violence Prevention confirmed that kids whose parents (and I would add other adults in positions of authority) spoke to them about violence and bullying were more likely to view violence as wrong and intervene when it’s happening.”

With the violence prevention agency, Futures without Violence, we did an ad years ago about the importance of modeling non-violent behavior to children. It said, essentially, “They’re waiting, they’re watching, they’ll listen.” They are and they will.

Cindy Waitt, a former social worker, is the director of the Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention. With WIVP over the past 25, she has supported  with her partnerson ground violence prevention programs such as Mentors in Violence Prevention, and Futures without Violence Programs, “Coaching Boys into Men”. The work has been done locally, statewide, nationally and internationally. She was the Executive Producer of Emmy nominated documentaries, “Bully”, HBO’s “Private Violence”, and the Peabody award winning “Audrie and Daisy”, as well as the new film,” This is Where I  learned Not to Sleep” featuring, family violence survivor, former police officer, and now trainer of communities and law enforcement.