Codependent Some More

“

You’ve got me?  Who’s got you?        Lois Lane, “Superman” 1978

Superman was strong enough to hold himself up, and just about anyone else in Metropolis.  In fact, I think at one point, he carries the whole planet.  That’s why he’s called “Superman”.  Some of us mortals believe we need to carry almost everyone else too.  Except, we can’t.  When we try, we fall too, and no one really gets rescued.  So, I dedicate this piece to my fellow mortals… the few (actually the many), the proud, the codependent.

The term “codependent” came into vogue in the 80′s, following Melody Beattie’s now famous “Codependent No More”, and still provokes controversy.  Some label it an addiction, some a dysfunctional behavior pattern.  There are those who think turning caring and nurturing behavior into a pathology is wrong, and those who believe that the pattern of over caring, nurturing, rescuing and enabling can be dangerous and even fatal.It hasn’t killed me yet, but it did suck the life out of me for many years, and didn’t do anyone else around me any good either.

So…a definition.  That was tough.  There are as many definitions as there are controversies.  Here’s one that sounds right.  ”Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s own health and well being”.    I knew that.  I knew it in the 80′s.  I worked in the mental health field.  I have a degree in all that.  I could see it in others and actually myself.  A colleague of mine actually came up with the phrase “codependent some more” to describe both of us, and most everyone we knew.

What I didn’t know was how far down this behavior would take me.  So, over 20 years later, I found myself in a therapy group in 2009, wondering why my anxiety was so high,when this topic was brought up.  They gave us all a list and it went something like this:

Check all that might pertain to you….

1)-I get feelings of self worth if I feel liked by others, so I spend a lot of time doing things I  think will make me “liked.”

2)I am a “people pleaser.”  I give people what I think they want, and tell people what I think they want to hear.  I often do this without knowing it at the time, and don’t realize it until later.-

3)I value other people’s opinions more than my own.

4)I usually put everyone else’s needs above my own.  I do not value my needs as much as I value others’.   -It feels selfish to put my own needs first. –

5)I have a hard time engaging in self-care behaviors; I tend to feel guilty if I do something for myself, or if someone else does something for me. –

6)I usually deny, downplay, justify, or ignore my own feelings, and focus on others’.

7)I eventually resent when others do not do for me, even though I have difficulty asking for what I want.

8)I feel extremely uncomfortable about feeling vulnerable.

9)I have a difficult time saying “no” or setting healthy boundaries with people.

10)I feel most happy when I am giving in a relationship.  I do not feel comfortable being on the receiving end.

11)I feel very uncomfortable asking for help.  I am much more comfortable being the one in the “helper” role. –

12)I avoid other people’s anger at all costs.

13) I avoid conflict whenever possible. -I avoid most of my own feelings whenever possible by focusing on other people’s.

After they ran through this for us,  I was thinking “Holy Shit, Batman”, whatever this is, I’m IT!   And I was.  And I am. But I now know it, got help for it, and can catch myself before I get myself in serious trouble. You may have a few of these, we all do, but IF you are doing the above incessantly, and IF you are feeling sick in your soul, body, mind, heart or spirit, get help or talk to someone about it.

Remember that, if this describes you, or part of you, you aren’t alone.  Here’s a few things to consider if you just have some pieces of this list, it might make you feel a bit better…

1) You are one of millions.  This is where the controversy over this term gets interesting.  One of the early experts in the field of codependency (which some don’t recognize as a field), said that if you are from a dysfunctional family, you are most likely codependent.  The same expert then said that 97% of all families are dysfunctional.  Huh?  Where did they get that number?  Did they do a national, scientific, representative sample with a reputable research team?  I’ve done those research studies, they cost a lot of money.  I’ve never seen that piece of research.  As I’ve said before, I’ve always wanted to look up that magic 3% of functional families and ask them their secret.  So, in this country alone, you’d be among one of many millions.  A lot of us are royally screwed up. It’s a testament to our spirit as humans that we get anything healthy done it all.

4) Our own lives can be hard enough, why take on someone else’s complete mess?  This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have charitable hearts and help those who need it.  Just know when someone else’s screwed up life, or lives, start messing with our own.  Know your own limits, and your own strengths.  We aren’t Superman, and if the answer to Lois’s question “You’ve got me, who’s got you?” is NO ONE, you are both going to fall.  I didn’t take much from the Reagan years, but Nancy’s somewhat misguided advice for kids about drugs was actually brilliant with codependents.  Know when to just say no, and if you can’t, call me and I’ll say no for you.