Dear Media, Can We Quit Saying “Domestic Dispute”?
Updated March 18, 2024
“These aren’t domestic disputes, they are about criminals attacking crime victims” Anne Jones, Author of “Next Time She’ll Be Dead“
This caught my eye a few years back.
The headline read, “MAN ARRESTED IN DOMESTIC DISPUTE“.
It went on to describe the case of a 30 year old man who strangled his girlfriend until she passed out several times over a two day period, and left her hospitalized with numerous internal injuries and bleeding.
Is this a “dispute?” And is this type of headline unusual? Not so much. The word is still used widely, as are the equally bad terms “domestic disturbance”, and”domestic altercation”. Even worse is “crime of passion” or my personal non- favorite “love triangle”.
I’m with the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Alliance when they say this in their site’s media education literature, “A dispute is akin to a disagreement or argument; it implies equal power. Intimate partner violence, on the other hand, is a serious, cyclical pattern of abuse and unhealthy behavior meant to control an individual. Referring to such incidents as “domestic disputes” takes away from its seriousness. It also implies an isolated incident, rather than a pattern of abuse. Call it domestic violence or intimate partner violence.”
Here’s just a sample of headlines I’ve run across in the past 24 hours from March 17th and 18th 2024: The first from Clarendon Hills, Illinois was just about the worst. “A person died in a domestic disturbance”. No, the person was murdered.
CLARENDON HILLS, IL – A person died in a domestic disturbance Saturday morning in unincorporated Clarendon Hills, the DuPage County Sheriff’s Office said.
A woman died after being shot in ‘domestic incident’ in Orange County, Sheriff’s Office says
A woman died after being shot in ‘domestic incident’ in Orange County, Sheriff’s Office says
Dolphins star Tyreek Hill had alleged domestic dispute in January, vows to clean up off-field behavior
Madison Police Dept. arrest suspect for alleged domestic disturbance involving knife
There are hundreds, if not thousands of those headlines and leads to be found. These are not bad people writing these stories. My husband, a former journalist, tells me that he was trained to use the term “domestic dispute”. as are many print and broadcast journalists who could use some additional education in how we refer to the hundreds of thousands of incidents and the thousands killed each year in this country alone. These are violent crimes and some are murders. Some facts…
Safe Horizon | Domestic Violence Statistics & Facts
National Domestic Violence Statistics
- 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
- 1 in 10 women in the United States will be raped by an intimate partner in her lifetime. (CDC, 2010)
- Approximately 16.9% of women and 8.0% of men will experience sexual violence other than rape by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime. (CDC, 2010)
- Data on sexual violence against men may be underreported.
- An estimated 9.7% of women and 2.3% of men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
- Nearly half of all women and men in the United States will experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
- Over half of female and male victims of rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner experienced some form of intimate partner violence for the first time before 25 years of age. (CDC, 2010)
- Approximately 16.9% of women and 8.0% of men will experience sexual violence other than rape by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime. (CDC, 2010)
Knowing that, can we move to writing and reporting about it with the harsh reality in mind? There is a good bit of material I found today from the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance that could help. http://www.vsdvalliance.org/#/public-policy-media.
As my friend and colleague Kit Gruelle, a subject, advocate, and special adviser to the HBO documentary “Private Violence” said to me in commenting on this story, “Using the proper terminology, even if it is difficult to do, will force us to grow up and see this violence in all it’s horror.” Amen to that, Kit.
Thank you,Cindy. I am also disgusted by the way DV is reported so often. We need to do a better job of educating those who work in the media so that reporting does not promote myths & misconceptions and/or stereotypes. We need to call DV what it is – a CRIME, not a relationship problem.
Thank you, Cindy, for writing this. As an advocate who has seen what the media calls “disputes” for the last 28 years, I can tell you, from firsthand experience, these assaults do NOT qualify as disputes. They are acts of terrorism. They would violate international rules of war. When a man holds his girlfriend down and carves the word MINE in her stomach, that is an act of terrorism. When a man nail-guns his wife to the floor and then cuts her throat, that us an act of terrorism. When a man herds his daughter, her friend and her friend’s little two year old son into the back bedroom and executes them with his .357 Magnum, that is an act of terrorism. When a man holds a gun against his wife or girlfriend’s head and threatens to blow it off, that is an act of terrorism. I think many in society have gotten fed up with the watered-down language that has been used for decades to describe what goes on between an abuser and his victim. Because it happens behind closed doors, in the name of family and love, we should be even more vigilant about making sure it is accurately described and understood for precisely what it is and what it is not. It is not a dispute; it is intimate terrorism.
Using the proper terminology, even if it is difficult to do, will force us to grow up and see this violence in all it’s horror. Hopefully, that will lead to illumination, indignation and outrage, which will then lead to activism on a local, state and national level, which will lead to a more robust and thoughtful response to this terrible private violence, and then, ultimately, to safer families and communities everywhere.
Amen, Kit!!!! Beautifully said!
Agree, Julie. I think when this North Carolina murder happened, I just got tired of seeing it. We need to acknowledge the domestic violence, while still understanding that it is indeed a murder!
Well written and well stated!
Thank you, Steve.
We also need to continue to educate around child sexual abuse.it is rape of the worst kind, and stop the press ,police and prosecutors from using the word “choke” in place of strangulation. Strangulation is attempted murder and needs to be spoken of in that way.We have minimized these words and actions far too long.
Thank you, Ruth, of course agree. I think those actual words were in the materials provided by the Virginia alliance!